In the Valley of Shit

I’m deep in the valley of shit at the moment. It’s a pretty apt description of the low points in the PhD journey. There’s been a few things published lately on the prevalence of depression in graduate students, none of which I could bring myself to read because of how I am feeling. So much seems to happen at once. For me, it is a confluence of dealing with difficult family circumstances, which impact on my confidence as a parent, and my own confidence as a researcher following my mid-candidature review, and the fact that both of these impact the professional and personal realms. In the mix as well, are aging and infirm parents who live in remote outback Queensland, two and a half days drive from where I live.

My young adult aspie son is suicidal. We have come so far with him since he was this anxious and depressed last time when he was 13, so to be back in the same space seems like some sort of parental failure. Intellectually I know it’s not, of course, but because there is a loss of control over our lives, it impacts on his Dad’s and my own mental health, as well as his brother who is in the middle of doing VCE. For me, along with all the ‘normal’ indicators of depression, this tends to play into my sense of efficacy and therefore my confidence and sense of self worth. Add this to my recent mid-candidature review, where prior to the meeting two of the panel members had said to my supervisors that it was clear I was a good student, but in the review itself not one positive thing was said, and you see how I have become mired in shit valley. To be clear, it’s not that I am whining about my mid-candidature experience. It’s important that the flaws are identified at this stage of research, but there was nothing positive or supportive said at panel. One of my panel members emailed me a few days later and (almost) apologised. I said to him then that I am struggling with separating critique of my research from critique of myself.

As it turns out, I have needed to take some time off in order to try and stabilise my son’s mental health, so have some time to step back and think about the way things have panned out, and where I am personally and professionally. And it is clear that the confidence thing is having a pretty big impact and has created the current detour through the valley. After my review, I have gone back to my literature review to tighten up my arguments. One of the things that I have been least confident about is my contribution to my field, so it is really good to be rereading and refocusing at this particular time in my candidature. My project has changed so much since I first started reading, so the fresh eyes are good. But always, in the back of my mind, is the spectre of imposter syndrome lurking, and because I’m vulnerable at the moment the voice is stronger.

While I am still getting a bit of reading and thinking done, for the next month the bulk of my focus is on my son and his needs, plus the multitude of appointments required and trying to support my sadly neglected younger son through VCE while he is so traumatised by his brother’s behaviours. The juggling is a challenge, but it’s not mine alone. So many of my student colleagues are fellow travellers: family challenges, managing work and study, mental health, teaching workloads, physical health, and good old guilt for not managing at times. Networks help, but what I have discovered is that I am not at work, so, apparently, it is out of sight – out of mind. This is interesting because I have tended to be a maternal figure for younger grad students who have often come to me for support. I’m not great at asking for help or support however, so that is something for me to be thinking about in the break that I am having.

The enforced break is timely and necessary for me to force my way out of the valley and back on to high ground. I have some reading to keep me occupied and some thinking to do. And some writing.